Earning

It’s a funny thing, becoming a “missionary”.  It’s not what I expected. 

I’m not sure why I thought that by knowing this calling, I would suddenly be free from all my indecision.  That by knowing where he is leading, I will not wonder every step of the way how it will happen.  Or perhaps I thought that in knowing the call, all my fears would go away because those whose faith is the most secure have no more fears.  But I fear messing up just as much now as I did before.  The uncertainty of ‘how’ remains on my mind. 

I did not anticipate this constant second guessing of my actions.  As though every step must go in a direct unwavering line straight to where I ought to go with no delays.  Like every choice I make is being judged, like I am constantly trying to prove to myself and others that I am worthy of this calling. 

But this is wrong. 

I acquire nothing through merit. 

I am earning nothing. 

Every choice is not weighed and deemed successful or selfless enough, and by believing that, I am holding myself capable of living selfless enough to earn God’s approval.  And I suppose also to gain the approval of people. 

Galatians 1:10 says ”Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.” 

Though this is part of a larger message, this phrase has always stuck with me.  It is not possible to be fully a servant of God while I am still trying to prove myself to people, or to myself.  I am trying to do both by trying to make every action altruistic. 

This is dangerous because it places my “success” and worthiness on my own actions which fail time and time again to meet the standards I was never meant to meet on my own.  I set myself up for failure again and again. 

Who wouldn’t burn out? 

Then I grow distant again. 

Guilty again. 

Ashamed again. 

Defeated again. 

This is not the life to which we have been called. 

So I need to stop trusting myself and trying to “prove” myself because He has already proven Himself.  By struggling to succeed in this whole missionary thing, I am yet again humbled ad I see that my perceived failure to succeed is itself a failure because I thought it was my struggle and my strength with which I was failing.  

My strength was never enough.  

But “the issue is not my strength, but His, which is limitless”. 

Well, that’s it from this very human daughter. If you would like more specific updates, send me an e-mail at katie@hopeforhome.org, or find me on facebook.  I would love to share with you online or in person anything and everything!

~Katie~

--after His heart--