After His heart

July 13, 2017

Today, for the third time in a week, I truly thought that we had lost Edy.  He frequently has episodes where he tenses up, and forgets how to breath for second, then a minute, and sometimes more at a time.  He tenses up every muscle until his hands fist, and turn out, and his arms and legs shake with the force of his clenched muscles.  His face turns blue then grey, and as the color leaves his face, my own breath stops as well.  All of us here have held him during one of these episodes, and eternity stops and is compressed into seconds and minutes until he breaths again.  On bad days, he will stop breathing from many times a day, and frequently now he will cough without passing any air.  So understand it when I say, we know what his episodes look like.  We have loved him for over a year, and have learned how it feels to wonder if he will breath again, or if at last this is the final breath he will release.  But as bad as those moments are, we have all had hundreds of them.  And although some of the panic has been pushed a little farther form the surface with time, it still resides there every time.  We have seen his good days, and his bad days.  We know that he suffers so much in this life, but God also gives him some moments of pure joy.  But we know that his good days here will be nothing next to the eternity he will have after this life.  So though we love him dearly, and fight down the panic every time he stops breathing, we also think of the life he may be on the verge of reaching; a life free from pain, spasms, chocking, coughing and seizures.  And then he breaths again, and we are flooded with both relief that he is still with us, and sorrow that he is still hurting so deeply in our arms. 

So today when his episode was different, and I truly thought he was gone, my mind raced, capturing a moment in eternity.  In that moment, I knew every detail.  I saw my friends, our nanny’s, watching Edy’s face, and searching mine.  I saw the lines in the concrete stairs, and wondered if I would forever remember this spot at the top of the stairs like I will remember in eternal detail the front doorway where we collapsed when Angelita breathed her last, or the table where we fought so hard and long for Maggy, or the place we sat on the couches with Micah when he finally was free from suffering.  Would I remember it like I remember where I was when I heard that Esperanza and Thania had died?  Or my friend Manuel?  Or where I was when I learned that my friend Cody, or my cousin Gavin had died? 

We have been touched by death.  And it isn’t what I had thought.  For these children in our home and in the villages, it is a freedom from a lifetime of pain and suffering.  It is a fulfillment of the hope which we seek.  “For we do not mourn like those who have no hope”.  We will meet them again in the wholeness. 

All of those things flooded my head an hour ago when Edy didn’t start breathing again after he lost consciousness and grew limp.  And then another eternity of time through seconds passed, and he breathed again. 

And then he cried. 

And I know that when he is crying, he is breathing. 

Tomorrow we leave for our third medical clinic in Escuintla this week.  These are incredible, and challenging.  It is challenging because of the language barrier, and much more.  The first clinic day, I served as my own translator for much of the day, which was both terrifying, and encouraging.  I also ran my own medical station, which meant that for most situations, I had to rely on my own medical judgement.  Again, both terrifying, and encouraging.  I have frequently described some of the situations that occur in Guatemala even in hospitals.  So although in the states I would never presume to do something like this, there truly are no good options for people living here, and I am slowly learning how to operate more independently here. 

We are able to help so many people.  But there are so many people whose problems are too great.  People who we can’t help.  An older diabetic lady who will never get the insulin she needs, or a child we suspect has muscular dystrophy.  An unfortunate aspect of my character is an inability to shake off the people we can’t help and focus on those who we can.  The reality is, we have lost friends here who could have been helped if they were in the states.  A mother of one of our children, whose blood sugar topped out my meter anytime I would check, died in December because she could not get insulin, and would not have had refrigeration to store it if she had.  We encountered a boy at the clinic on Monday who has a sunken in chest which in his climate will lead to chronic lung infections, and may likely lead to his death, like it lead to death of a little boy we loved in La Gomera who also died in December. 

On Monday we had to turn away many people because although we saw patients an hour after we said we would, we had to leave, and people still were waiting since the morning hours.  It is they that I think of, not the child with parasites who received medication, or the mother of 5 who received an antibiotic to combat her urinary tract infection. 

On Wednesday, we were in another village that boarders a dump.  The families here work by scavenging the piles and piles of trash hoping to find items to salvage and sell.  It is long hot work in the sun in a humid climate.  Many families work the dump together, and bring their small children into the piles as well because there is no safe place to leave them.  One family we work with has a particularly sick little boy, and among other reasons, she fears taking him to the hospital because he was born on the floor of her house and has no papers—because when she called the ambulance, they would not come there at night.  She fears that the hospital would take him away if she took him there.  The adults all yell for the children to run whenever a government vehicle comes by because they could take the undocumented children away. 

Every child we saw was in need of vitamins.  But sadly the vitamins we carry are only for adults, and unsafe for children under 4.  This is especially sad because we used to receive children’s vitamins as an overflow form a U.S. company.  Our supply ceased because the company stated that they were unaware that their vitamins had been sent here, and they did not want their vitamins to be sent to countries outside of the U.S.  Forgive my bitterness in this statement, but it would appear that the children of Guatemala are less important than the children of the United States in the eyes of this company.  This is sickening. 

This village is separated some from the surrounding areas, and has few tiendas or places to buy supplies or food.  The malnutrition rate here is extremely high.  One third to half of the children we saw were malnourished.  We saw rotten out teeth in 3 year olds, deep creases and hardened fingernails, and copper streaks and thinning hair in a community who should have thick black hair.  We saw children who did not have the energy to run and play, and one child who was unresponsive because she had not eaten in three days.  Neither had her siblings.  And their mother gave them her food and went without many times. 

Our team from the states here to help run the clinics was shocked.  They had never seen a story like this in person.  In no time they had emptied every bag they brought of granola bars and chips they had for snacks.  What an incredible heart.  They had seen the heart of God.  This was the first time they had seen true poverty.  But it wasn’t ours.  We know of so many stories of pain, injustice, homelessness, poverty, malnutrition, hunger, abandonment, abuse, and social injustice.  But it still moves us to our core.  Every single time.  These are God’s children.  Forgotten by the world, but not alone. 

So this is all so very heavy.  Edy, and our terminal babies in casa 2, malnourished children and chronically sick adults, abandonment and the plight of human suffering.  May God never harden our hearts so that they get used to hearing stories such as these.  He desperately loves every last one of these, his children.  And every story, every single life is incredibly precious.  Every single story breaks his heart. 

To cry for them is to have a taste of the heart of God. 

May we never stop crying for the pain of His children. 

Tomorrow we go again to this community surrounding the dump for our third and finally medical clinic this week.    

July 18, 2017

Morning:

Today we learned that Ruth, a little girl from San Pablo, is finally at rest.  She suffered from extraordinary seizures that took from her speech, her ability to walk, and her ability to eat by herself.  Last week during their monthly trips to San Pablo, Joel (co-director in the ministry) sent us a disturbing update that she was not eating much formula either, and was wasting away.  The picture he shared was shocking.  This was no longer the little girl I had once played with.  She was a layer of skin stretched over her bones.  She had no strength to move her own body, and she was so malnourished and emaciated that no photo I have ever seen of malnutrition came close to hers.  She is finally free and She is finally free and walking and talking again.  Please be praying for her family.  Nothing about this is easy. 

Night:

Tonight we had another hour plus attempt at feeding Edy an ounce with meds.  During these attempts, we will sit and drop drops of his meds and formula onto his tongue at a time.  This is a frequent struggle.  Some days, Edy drinks 5 ounces quickly, and with ease without aspirating a drop.  But most days, he struggles at some point with drinking, and frequently these last few weeks, he has had less than 8 ounces In a day.  Some days less than 5.  Tonight, after placing just three drops on his tongue while he sat upright at 90 degrees in my arms, he began coughing and aspirating his saliva and the meds.  During one such bad feeding like this, that can happen a few times.  But tonight he aspirated on three drops for 5 consecutive attempts. 

Tomorrow we are placing a feeding tube in Edy. I’m devastated.  I was not quite ready to hear it, but I knew it was coming. I was just thinking he needed it for meds. But they Daryl explained that, although  we knew he was dying, we didn't want to watch him waste away. 

We did not share the shocking pictures of Ruth from San Pablo who died last night, but Joel sent us the photos last week when he visited. And I have never seen someone so emaciated in my life. Not in any book, not here. And I have seen terrible malnutrition and emaciation.  But the worst part was that I could remember when that tiny skeletal face was full, and when she could walk. And when Daryl said why we needed to place the tube into Edy, I know he was thinking of her too. We can't watch Edy slowly starve to death.  But this is killing me.  His breathing just gets worse and worse and every day he is doing something else that is new and scarey.  Now so frequently his chest and muscles will expand like he took a breath, but he passes no air, just a short sound like a tiny bit of air has squeezed through.  And then he releases his muscles like he is exhaling, and then expands his chest again as though he were breathing, but he is not.  For months when he is not breathing well his whole head bobs up and down because he is using the wrong muscles to breath with to help his diaphragm which alone does not do the job.  The entire shape of his chest is deeper than it is wide because of a lifetime breathing with these muscles.  We hope that the tube will help him maintain his weight, and that it will not increase his respiratory problems. 

July 27, 2017

Yesterday we finally saw another Edy smile.  We all live for, and celebrate “happy Edy days”  Last night however, we had to remove Edy’s NG tube overnight because his breathing had deteriorated so.  He is doing better again today. 

Over the last few months, a few thins have been impressed on my heart, and a few things have become apparent concerning my short term plans. 

First off, I am very nearly finished with my BSN, the bachelors degree expected of Ohio Nurses to obtain within 10 years of their graduation as associates level nurses.  If all goes well, I may finish as early as December, although this final semester needs to be in the states.  However, there are many complications associated with schooling online, and there may be a number of complications with the university, and a few personal obligations as well, which may push my graduation date back until May.  In either case, God has made me aware to an opportunity to work with the Spanish speaking community in a small town in Tennessee called Lebanon.  There is a ministry here which works with people fresh out of prison to disciple them, and help them reintegrate.  Cross Style ministry also hopes to reach out to the Spanish speaking community to welcome them and serve them.  One potential goal is to help many who work so hard obtain their citizenship.  While working here through the end of my nursing schooling and continuing on into May, I will also be taking classes in ministry, an opportunity I look forward to as I have never had any education in ministry. 

***To be clear, One does not need an education to serve God.*** 

But I look forward to this privilege while finishing formal nursing education, following up on a few personal obligations, and working with the cross style ministry. 

After this period, I will be returning to Guatemala by the grace of God, and I am very excited for all that is happening here, and all that will be happening in my absence as well. 

Here are some of the changes: Stefanie Konrad, a Canadian nurse, and midwife will be joining Hope for Home ministries and begin working to train other midwives.  In perfect timing for her arrival we learned that Building Guate, has space on their property, and will soon begin the construction of a building that they will work with to use as a station for midwives complete with a few hospital beds, and a space for the midwives to stay nearby for long labors.  This area is truly God appointed.  We have been working off and on with Building Guate through teams visiting, and their help in finding a few families in the dump with children with special needs that we now work with.  They have helped in transportation to and from appointments, and in reaching out to this community.  Now, it will be expensive to furnish and supply such a station.  But God has shown in advance that nothing is too difficult for him, and we learned through friends and fellow workers here in Guatemala, that there is a group who wish to get rid of a number of birthing chairs.  They don’t want them, but we sure do!  Truly, our God provides!

To read much more about how this vision has grown over many months, please read the director’s blog about the medical clinics, and the future of our ventures into maternity and care of this at risk population.  http://hopeforhome.blogspot.com/2017/07/when-god-shouts.html

July 27, 2017

Yesterday we accepted another baby into hogar 1.  He is 3 months old, and we are told that he has hydrocephalus and a shunt already placed.  I believe he may also be on oxygen, although details are always confusing in a house with so many people receiving information from a system with so many kids!  He sould be coming on Saturday!!!

A few weeks ago we shifted a few children to help us give better care to the children in both homes.  Our Merlyn and Genesis moved to hogar 2 who had only tiny babies and older children, and Walter moved into hogar 1 to be closer to our medical equipment.  Walter is 15 years old, and is very twisted from CP.  He has a G tube, which is a feeding tube which was surgically placed directly into his stomach.  This is the same tube we hope to get for Humberto and Ruavis because NG tubes, the tubes that travel through the nose into the stomach, are very hard on the soft tissue of throats, and can cause more respiratory problems.  Now we have 4 little boys receiving their food through tubes.  We have been working on helping Walter gain weight. 

Many Changes, More Challenges

February 24, 2017
I have now been in the States for a little over 5 weeks. As I mentioned before, this is for classes toward my BSN that could not be taken online. Surely God has his hand on this timing because I will also be present for the birth of 2 nieces, one of whom is expected any day. So there has been sweet reunion with my family, and many friends although I have many friends yet to be seen. This time has been refreshing and sweet.

I have had the opportunity to share about Hope for Home Ministries at a few churches, which is always a blessing. This time however, I was twice blessed with time to share through the entire service. This is challenging because I am not gifted with words, not am I a teacher or preacher. So I did what any former bible quizzer would do, and tried to incorporate as much scripture as possible to say what needed to be said beyond describing the ministry. God really pushed me in the preparation of this, and it was a rich time studying.

While I am here, I will be shadowing at a wound care center to train some for the wounds we see in Guatemala, although I have hit some roadblocks here and setting this up has taken far longer than I anticipated.

I have been staying with my younger brother and his wife who are now a few days past their baby’s due date. This has been helpful for them and for myself as I have been able to help with some organization before miss Shyloh arrives. This arrangement has benefited me greatly because their apartment is 7 minutes from my campus, or a 45 minute walk. While I have been staying with them, I have taken part in the ministries they participate in here in Fairborn Ohio. The most notable of these is their involvement with International Friendship Incorporated. This is a ministry which works with international students who come to Dayton to attend university as Wright State University, and other local campuses. This ministry had the ability to reach and minister to students from all around the world. Many of these students can then return home and share the gospel in areas where no foreign missionary would be able to go.

This is how I found myself once again sitting next to someone with whom I could not communicate. Many of the students went to BDubs after their prayer meeting, and invited friends who had not been at the meeting. I arrived late, and sat with my brother and sister-in-law next to a young man from Egypt who had not yet learned much English. So we used our phones to ask basic questions between English and Arabic. Technology is an incredible tool for witnessing.





April 26, 2017
It has been a while since my last update since I have been state side. To be honest, I have really put off writing this because by writing about everything that has happened, I have to relive it over again, and I have not wanted to do that. But feelings aside, here we go!

On February 2, Genesis arrived at the home. She is three years old, and has cerebral palsy. Though I have not met her yet, I am told that she is very sweet and loving. She has adopted Ruavis’s old wheelchair while Ruavis not sits in Humberto’s old chair, and Humberto has a new chair to accommodate these two growing boys!    

On March 8, all within our ministry were shocked when we learned that our dear friend, and codirector in the ministry, Manuel Moran had been murdered in near his home in Chimaltenango. The best we can tell is that this was possibly a gang initiation. I’m afraid I really can’t go into detail, so I’ll share Daryl’s post. http://hopeforhome.blogspot.com/2017/03/murder-fires-and-hope.html To be honest, I still do not understand why God chose to call him home early. He was an incredible man of God who was so good at meeting families where they were to minister to their needs physical, and spiritual. He was also a good father, involved in the lives of his family, and devoted to his wife. He was a dear friend. I loved traveling with him to the remote villages. For the first several months we couldn’t even communicate because he did not speak Spanish, and I had not yet learned Spanish. But you do not need words to communicate love or friendship. So, I do not understand God’s timing. But I know that he knows what he is doing, and all this is in his hands.

Earlier that same day, an orphanage near Guatemala city was set on fire, and burned. Nearly 40 teenaged girls were killed. Again, there is much more to this, but I’ll again divert you to the director’s blog http://hopeforhome.blogspot.com/2017/03/murder-fires-and-hope.html Due to the overcrowding, nearly 750 children occupied this orphanage built for 400. As more and more information came out, it became clear that Hogar Sergio was responsible for great neglect, abuse, and trafficking. As terrible as the fire, were the reports of what the children had been subjected to in what should have been a place of refuge. To be honest, I have struggled a lot with anger that a place like this had been allowed to continue for so long.

I really cannot go into more detail about these things myself because to be honest, it still hurts so much. So I am sharing what others have posted because I have really put off writing this for weeks and weeks.

These events culminating on the same day were simply crippling. In the home, normally when tragedies happen, or when we have lost a child, the pain is near, but we must continue to work and care for our other children. We are surrounded by the love of family, and we help each other grieve. It has been very difficult to be so far away from the family during all of this. Friends and family are amazing and speak many healing words. But it was hard for them to understand a loss of people whom had never met. But I think God looks out for every small detail. When I learned of these tragedies, I was with a team from my home church who were fixing up a few old houses in Tennessee to be used by a ministry called Cross Style. The houses would be used to house men and women newly released from prison. They had been discipled while in prison, and would now continue in the program to re integrate, but most importantly, to learn how Christ wanted to use their lives. The ministry also reaches out to the homeless population. This was a week of good, hard work. So you can see that God sent days of physical work and encouragement when I needed it the most. There is nothing like working with your hands. God truly used this time, and those surrounding me to encourage me when I was away from my families.

And now to some of the results from these events. Many homes across Guatemala responded with love offering to take in many of the children twice (or more) uprooted from their homes. Our home agreed to take two boys with special needs from the home. Which would put the home at 15 children in the home originally intended for 10. During this time also, our ministry, together with PGN (the equivalent to child protective services), pushed to open our second home immediately. Within a few weeks, the home was licensed, and open. This was a true testament to the church and Christians who stepped up and donated funds, and supplies to furnish the new home. Within a few days, much of what was needed had been pledged. Praise God for this near miracle. In addition, the staff for the new home, were selected, and began training. We have been blessed by these staff members who had previously volunteered their time to love on children with special needs both in our home, and in the villages. We were blessed to be able to hire Guatemalan friends who both needed the job, and who will love our children genuinely.

Joel, the director’s son-in-law, and his wife Brittney, have moved from San Pablo la Laguna, where they were ministering to their neighbors, back to San Antonio Aguas Calientes, where Hogar de la Esperanza is located. Joel will be phasing in to the responsibilities that Manuel had so faithfully fulfilled. He will be transporting kids to hearings in courts all around, and will be taking children to Dr’s appointments. He will be leading the team into the rural villages, and so so much more.

Carissa and Taryn Fulp, the director’s daughters who had previously been pursuing ministry in Uganda, returned to Guatemala in a hurry to become the directors of this new home. Now here is where God is good. Carissa has been living in Uganda seeking to open a group home for children with disabilities for nearly 2 years, and God had been closing door after door. It seemed confusing that things simply were not progressing there until this home was opened in a hurry and was in need of an experienced head. Where God closes doors, he opens opportunities to trust him. God is so good.

This new home, Hogar de la Fe, or home of the faith (to match our home of the hope), is located within eyesight of our existing home. The original plan was for Michael and Kelly Gross to open this home in another year or so when they have had time to learn the language and culture better. But now that it is open so early, Carissa and Taryn will run the home until January when Michael and Kelly will have phased into leadership of the home. At this time, they will become the directors of Hogar de la Fe. Carissa recently announced that in January, she will move to Liberia to join Don and Melanie Riley in Hope for Home Liberia, and she will work to open a group home there for children with special needs. Their layout will look a little different from Guatemala because they will have a large compound housing several small group homes consisting of five children, and a house mother or parents.

While all these things are incredible, there are still major struggles. Specifically, corruption and confusion within the government. Initially, after the fire, there was a push for homes for the children of hogar sergio. However, the two boys expected by Hogar de la Esperanza, did not come. They could not find them. Today, over a month after the fire, they still have not come to the home, and to our knowledge, they are still missing (although while I am stateside, I am a little behind on receiving information). Further, although PGN helped rush our new home into existence, the president signed an order to remove all children from private run homes, and place them into government run orphanages. This is appalling to think of kids in quality homes moving to these government systems that are already overcrowded. Although our social worker assures us that this will not actually happen, the judge over two of our kids asked for their paperwork. Nothing is ever clear in Guatemala, and as this confusion. Continues, we sit with an open and empty home completely furnished and staffed, but without any children.

About two weeks ago, while baby edy was having another run of bad days, he stopped breathing for 2.5-3 minutes. His bad days are growing longer and longer while his good days are fewer and fewer. We know that he is dying, but it is always hard to see him struggling. For me this raises more conflict. When I hugged him goodbye in January, I prepared myself that that would be last time I held him. But now that I have less than a month left in the states, and he is still alive, I had begun to let myself home I’ll get to hold him again. So the night I heard that we was doing so poorly, I felt the rush of emotions about losing him all over again. They are such conflicting feelings because to wish for a child who suffers so much to stay with us and suffer even more would be so selfish. But to think of the day when he is no longer ours to hold is hard to bear. It is a beautiful and hard thing to love a child home to Jesus.

 

PGN has recently asked us to accept a 2 month old baby girl named Analia into Hogar de la Fe to be their first child. I don’t know all of her diagnoses, but I do know that she is likely terminal and is expected to live only around a year. Although this is very hard, I know that the entire team has great love for God’s children, and baby Carmen will be loved dearly until her last breath. It is a beautiful thing for a child to be carried into the arms of Jesus by a family that loves her rather than through an overcrowded hospital (though they also may be staffed by caring staff).

Well, having shared all of this, I think I would just ask for prayers for everyone involved. This includes prayers for the international ministry (IFI) in Dayton, and Cross Styles ministry in Tennessee, and for the growing ministry in Liberia. Pray for Manuel’s wife, and his two sons. Pray for the children affected by the fire, and for babies Edy and Analia, that they would feel loved until their final breaths. Pray also for the staff, new and old at Hope for Home Guatemala who have experienced such a great loss of a friend, and fellow worker, and for their unity and strength for the trials to come.

Most of all we praise God for his provision. The last few months have been overwhelming. But God shows time and time again how he provides for all our needs great and small.

May 10, 2017

--Update! Baby Analia had finally arrived in her new home Hogar de la Fe!!--

New year, new challenges.

January 20, 2017 It has been a very busy month! We started the month with sickness, seizures, hospital visits, and more than a little morning for baby Maggy whom we lost on Christmas Eve. Savanah and Alex joined our intern team and are living in the home to work as nannies, and work evenings and weekends when staff is not in the home..I had only one short week with them, but after only 1 week they seemed to be adjusting to the fast pace of the home. In addition, the Gross family arrived a week before I left, leaving us with a very full home of 12 kids in the home, 4 fulp kids living at home, 4 interns, 2 parents, and 4 Grosses.

Savana (far left) and Alex (4th from the left) our new interns
Madison Gross (far right)

The Grosses put an offer in on a home large enough to house the next group home, Hogar de la Fe, although they still await a response. This property is large enough to house the home, and the ministry supplies which are currently in another building because there is no room in Hogar de la Esperanza. Please be praying for them as they continue into their cross cultural immersion, language classes, and house hunting. Further, my last week in the home was also the week that one of my home churches, Pleasant View Missionary Church sent a team of 5 ladies to minister to children with special needs in a variety of venues. Among them were my sister, one of my best friends, and three women for whom I have had much respect over the years. They were a blessing to us, and they got to experience several aspects of our ministry including time in the grouphome, in a local hospital/long term care facility for individuals with special needs, in the homes of specific families in Escuintla, and at a feeding program in the community around the Escuintla dump.

Deborah and Alison

Gloria and Edy

It was incredible to share our lives with them. On Wednesday, half of the team went out with Daryl and Mr. Gross to check in on some families, and help in specific situations with families who we do not see monthly. The other part of the team came with me and our team to Sipacate, and La Gomera to visit our montly sponsored children who receive food, medicine, or other monthly help. Like our team, we were once again blown away by the generosity, and love shown by these families who have become quite precious to us. In Daryl’s group, they met a new family, and were offered a live chicken by the mother. After quietly speaking with her, it was determined that they actually did not have enough food for the family. This woman was so gracious as to offer precious food to people she had just met when she did not even have enough food for her own family. God provides. She, who was so generous as to share all she had, instead received food from a source she had not expected, just when she needed it the most. Praise God! In our group, I explained to some families that I would be leaving for the states, but only for a matter of months. I was shocked at the responses I got, and the love shown to me. But you see, our monthly visits are not about giving material supplies to people. They are about building a relationship which can be used to show Christ’s love. Month after month we visit these families. Month after month we ask about their lives, and struggles. We listen and love them. And every month we pray for them. They have become very dear to us. It is not about the supplies. And so it should not have surprised me how our families responded when I said I was leaving for a time. There were hugs and kind words, and sentiments of safe travel and quick return. I was struck yet again at how incredible our families are.

Alicia

Manuel

Deborah and Christy's first coconut milk,
here only about 70 cents each

While we visited the home of Hector, a young man with cerebral palsy whom we visit every month, I started talking with his sisters who always greet me by name are are excited to talk with me, even though my Spanish is still not very good. They help me find words I am looking for, and they were happy to meet my sister and friend who traveled with us that day. When they learned that back in my home, Ohio, there were no banana trees, and nothing was growing now because of the snow, they ran off beckoning for me to follow. Their yard is full of banana trees, and they wanted to send me and my friends along with a few dozen bananas for the trip home. I love these girls so much! So after a very busy last week, I joined the team in flying home. For once, this trip was quiet and uneventful, a nice break from my slowly growing airport mishap stories! After a long break, I got to see my parents again, and my siblings and nephew. I am in Dayton, close to WSU campus for the class I can’t get online, but sadly I have had a number of issues meeting some of my other objectives here. I am waiting for a current TB test before I start shadowing a wound care specialist near Troy, and I am very grateful for a great many nurse friends who helped me make the necessary connections to gain this experience. We have a great many wounds in our rural areas, and few resources so this experience is necessary.

In the time that I have been in Ohio, I find it harder than ever to feel at home. I very much feel like I don’t quite fit here anymore. There are the little things like getting food frozen, or from a can instead of fresh, and using minute rice instead of regular. But then there are the habitual things like flushing the paper, checking my shoes for spiders, wanting to thank cashiers in Spanish, and waking up without bright sunlight through the windows and skylights (which does not fully light a room even midday). All of these are small, and really not a big deal. But talking with people is different. People talk about things that do not hold significance to me anymore. On my campus the young adults talk rudely about professors, parents, and boyfriends. They talk about clothes, new make up devices, and the latest iphones. But even off campus, most conversations lean into things I can’t relate to. It is certainly a challenge both to be here in this culture, and to be away from my friends and family in Guatemala. I love this place where I grew up, but it does not feel the same as it used to. But I take great solace in talking with my family, all of whom are supportive of my life in Guatemala. Those who have not been out of the country for ministry, still understand better than most. It is great to visit with friends and family, and I know God has a purpose for this time.

Cesar in our home

Alejandra in our home

Alison and Edy from our home

Since I have been home, the group home accepted a 17 day old baby with renal failure, although the courts later assigned her to another home. We have since learned that they cannot take her because she has a colostomy, and is on dialysis. To my knowledge, they have not asked our home again to take her. From the sound of it, she should be in a hospital, although there may not be a hospital safe enough for her in the national hospital system. Please pray for this precious baby.

Gifts on Loan

December 16, 2016 Today Giovanni, Raquel and Esther all came to visit with their families. The twins have been living with their new family for a year now, and Gio for 6 months. This is the first time I had seen Gio, and my second seeing the girls since they were adopted. It was incredible to see them again. At first Gio was a little overwhelmed, but by the time Esther and Raquelle arrived, all three were soon running around squealing like the old days! It was amazing to see just how much they had all grown. Gio is now 4, and the twins 5. Gio is speaking now more than before, and using a lot more English. Esther and Raquel speak in articulated sentences now. All three have grown so much physically, and developmentally. Praise God for such incredible families who now love our children. Both are amazing families who truly love these children. Praise God for forever families! Now it seems natural to watch them run to their mothers’ with arms outstretched, confident in the comfort and support they will find there.

December 19, 2016 And just like that your life can change! God calls us to faith. A faith that can change the entire landscape of our lives instantly, and trust that it is in his hands.

Today the call was for a three month old girl with microcephaly. We said yes. This is scarey because she may be very fragile, and we are already struggling with a very fragile little Edy. We probably won’t know any detail about her, not even her name, until she arrives. Oh, and did I mention she arrives today?!?

December 23, 2016

Her name is Margareth, and she surely did give us a scare. We were told she had microcephaly. She does not. She does have a history of seizures, and as we learned later, a significant heart defect that will require open heart surgery, and she arrived with pneumonia. Margareth came from a national hospital in Guatemala city. The national hospital system is… not good. She should never have been discharged.

When she arrived, we checked her from head to toe, and knew that something was very wrong. She lacked a lot of reflexes normal for babies. Her arms and legs hung limp when we moved her for her shower. She had a soft cough that we were told was normal for her. She was very pale, and all but unresponsive. Also, she did not cry. We thought she must have some significant brain damage, or neurological issues. But we did not know anything about her except what the courts had told us, which we couldn’t trust because she clearly does not have microcephaly, and clearly did have some other issues. We lacked any form of baseline for how she should look and act. That is why we didn’t realize that as frail as she was, it was due to an acute sickness, and not chronic like in a neurological illness. Wanda stayed with her the first night, and I left early for distributions and family visits in Guastatoya. At 4:45 when I left, she was sleeping, but not well.

While we were beginning our visits with the families in Guastatoya, we got a call that Margareth had stopped breathing, and Daryl had done CPR for over 5 minutes to get her back. The bomberos, or ambulance drivers, had not answered when they called, so they drover her into a private hospital in Antigua where we take our kids because they are private and worlds better than any national hospital. Here they discovered her pneumonia, and here I sit with her as she received IV antibiotics. The national hospital in Guatemala city had discharged a gravely ill baby girl who stopped breathing less than a day after she left. Less than 12 hours after she was in our home, she is now back in the hospital. The children in our home never got to meet her since she was there so briefly overnight.

Hospitals here are a bit different. Our three month old is in an sized adult room, and one of us stays with her all through the day and night. She sure is tiny sleeping in that giant bed. And the Spanish… that’s a bit tough for me at least. I can communicate now, but sometimes I bumble over my words and take a long time to say what I want to be said.

Tomorrow is Christmas eve, so we hope and pray she can leave with us tomorrow, after 4 days in the hospital. We have two medical professionals living in the home who know how to care for critically ill children. We have experienced family members who have cared for very fragile children. We have oxygen for the ride, and at the home. We have medical equipment; a suction machine, oxygen and supplies, a nebulizer for aerosol medications, IV equipment, syringes, formula, medications, and so on. Our doctor lives two blocks away, and is on-call. With all this in mind, the doctor said that if all goes well, she may be discharged tomorrow, but continuing her IV antibiotic regimens, and after training us how to administer it, which will go well because have administered many IV medications, and Daryl has experience and previous training with IV fluids as well. Our staff is off over Christmas, and we are a little short handed with one of us at the hospital at all times. Further, we truly desire a Christmas together as a family, so we pray she is strong enough to come home. She is still very sick however.

December 24, 2016 Maggy came home from the hospital today. And later she went home to Jesus as well. Next to her bed we set up our oxygen generator, suction machine, and equipment for her IV medications. Truly, we had everything set up that was on hand in her hospital room, and a few extra things.

Being Christmas Eve, we had family activities set up, and after the kids went down we would watch the nativity story together to celebrate the birth of Jesus. Wanda sat down to feed her her bottle. But as the movie started, Edy stopped breathing. After a long episode, he began breathing again on his own. But at that point we learned that in the excitement, Maggy also had stopped breathing. We carried her to her bed in the corner where all our equipment was, and Daryl began giving her rescue breaths. Soon later, we had to begin CPR. We worked so hard. But after a little over half an hour, we lost her. She was so very weak.

Our doctor, who had not yet had a chance to meet her, shared with us that there really was not anything we could have done. He learned from her files that she had 7 serious life threatening illnesses, and would never have been strong enough for the heart surgery she needed. In some ways, knowing this helped, and at least she was not suffering anymore. But then floods in the anger. The national hospital had discharged her knowing this. Which means they were either extremely negligent, or intentionally sent her away so they would not have to deal with it over Christmas. In either case, it is hard not to be livid.

But we know that this was truly God’s design because if they had not discharged her, she would have died alone in the hospital instead of surrounded by her family who loved her.

We are all so raw right now.

December 25, 2016 Today we started our Christmas day by burying a tiny baby.

I can’t quite put words to it.

We fought so hard to keep her. But God wanted to give her the greatest joy in spending Christmas with him.

So we are mourning the loss of a baby, while celebrating the birth of another baby. And it is through the death of this baby Jesus that we have hope for the future life of our baby Maggy. And therein lies our comfort.

Despite our hurting hearts we wanted to celebrate the life of Christ through Christmas celebrations. There have been lots of tears and lots of laughs today.

December 28, 2016 The day we accepted baby maggy into our home, we got a call about another girl. This one was three years old, and all we were told was that she could not move her hands or feet, and could not talk. We had to say no because we were full before we accepted baby Maggy. They begged us to take her, and said that they had heard that our home was the best home for girls like her. After we said no, they asked us to please call them if anything changed. Well, something has changed. We were not going to accept a 13th child, but God opened our hearts to Maggy. We had just figured out how to adjust everything to accept one more little girl, and now there is one waiting.

This is hard because we are very much still mourning a tiny little baby. Daryl asked for more information. Her name is Genisis, and from her story she sounds like she could use a loving home for her emotional needs, as well as a specialized home for her significant physical needs. We have decided to move forward and accept her into the home.

Please keep us in your prayers as we prepare to receive another little girl, and as we continue to work through the torment of emotions left with us after Maggys death.

Praise God that there is a place for Genisis. We serve a God who has a place in His heart for all these precious children.

January 5, 2017

Well, the new year sure started out rocky. We welcomed the new year with behavioral issues in a number of the kids, diarrhea, runny noses, and respiratory infections for all, and a grand mal seizure from Yenny. Most distressingly, Edy, who had been struggling with a respiratory infection, and on oxygen while receiving antibiotic injections, was declining and we decided to take him to the hospital. We took turns with him, and the majority of the time he was simply miserable and could not be consoled. Praise God, he came home again yesterday, and is happy and relaxed. Through our short time with Maggy, and the reminder that our days with Edy are limited, I have been reminded that each of our children are gifts to us on loan. They are really never ours, only a brief gift on loan to love on and hold until God takes them back. So we cherish each day they are lent to us, and praise God for these precious gifts.

Today we are receiving two new interns, Alex, and Savana. They will be helping in the home through May, which will help cover my absence while I am away.

This week we are also receiving the Gross family, who are moving here to open our second group home. And on Sunday, a team from my home church is coming. With them will come my sister, so suffice it to day I am eager for their arrival. Sadly however, I will be leaving for the states when they leave in less than 2 weeks.

As I mentioned previously, I will be fulfilling my commitment to finish my BSN. While I am there however, I have made arrangements to follow a wound care specialist in a health center nearby. I will also have some needed time with my family. This is quite challenging however because I will be away from the kids, and the ministry for a few months. It’s hard to think of the kids growing and developing while I am gond. It’s harder still to understand that some of the kids may not be here when I come back. I surely love these kids, and this family I now have. I thank God for giving me such a family while I am here.

Thank you so much for your prayer and support. I will continue to send updates while stateside, however they may be fewer and shorter.

~Katie~ --after His heart--