Lessons and Leading

I haven’t written in some time now because I was not sure what to explain exactly what God has been doing in my life when he told me to step away from Guatemala for a time, and go to Tennessee. It seemed a little ridiculous to me, and out right confusing to explain to anyone else that yes, I was stilled called to guatemala, but for a spell God had something different.

I had to be in the states for a time to complete my final online course for my bachelors degree, and God opened up an opportunity to come to a school of practical ministry at the same time. Some questioned why I would leave the mission field to go back to school when I was already in ministry, and all I could say was that after much prayer, Jesus was telling me to go. So to stay in Guatemala for this time would have been disobedience. It was a hard decision, filled with tears, but God has blessed this as a tremendous time of personal growth. I had become burnt out, and was struggling with a lot.

Although it is true that life in Guatemala and ministry with so many hurting and fragile kids is emotionally tolling, my real struggle was not grief, but depression which had even deeper root causes from my own history that I had previously refused to admit to myself or deal with. I had never struggled with this before, and I did not know how to process it. God blessed me tremendously however with such a supportive family in Guatemala. And this is his promise; that he will provide for me what I need, when I need it, as it fits in His plan for me.

In Tennessee too he knew what I would need, and he had prepared a family for me here as well. I came to the cross style school of practice ministry hurting, and reluctant because God told me to, not because I wanted to be there. And He kinda tricked me! At first it looked like a ministry would be available to work hands on with the Hispanic community in working towards citizenship until that door closed. And God showed me that I was not in Tennessee to DO anything, but to rest in Him, and for healing of my heart.

That said, this has been an incredibly busy time in active ministry. The church is involved in a lot of ministry with the homeless community including supper each night, and involvement a housing program during winter months aimed at reaching this community (which God holds dear) with His love. Another major ministry is with the Cross style center which works with men and women from different situations, many fresh out of prison. This is a program that is similar to a half way house in its provision of lodging, assistance in getting a job and acclimated to life again. Where it differed is in the focus. Not Christian, but Christ. By that I mean the idea is discipleship to a personal relationship with Christ, not just another church goer who believes attendance points matter with God. They have responding recovery classes, and services at the church all the while hearing the name of Jesus on a constant basis. They are a part of our church body. God has reviewed his heart in ministry through this.

The biggest thing I am learning is not to be less busy, but to center my business around Christ. I know that I will never be ‘not busy’ (aside from specific times of rest) because, well, it’s just who I am and who he made me. But it is not possible to do in my own power. So much more, He is teaching me to love every moment with him. He wants me to invite him into my chaos.

There is so, so much more he has been teaching me. It is an intimacy with Him I have been on the edge of for years. With Him so near, depression simply does not exist. At all. He has healed so much in me in layers and He is far from finished. What is amazing is that everything he is teaching me now he has given me a glimpse of before. He has taught me these concepts in Guatemala before, these truths of his person, but God is using this time in Tennessee to teach me what this concept is, and giving me handles to grasp and process what he was showing me for years.

God is so good, and so patient to explain to the slow processors like myself. Some things he has taught me before and is now teaching again are about true ministry. Seeking his heart so that actions flow out, not seeking to act in ways that look Christian. The world honestly doesn’t need more humanitarians, but more Jesus in every life at every moment.

God has also taught me worlds about how to love as he loves. Questions like how do you love people you can’t be open with, or trust. How can you love people who are rough on the edges? How do I love people who don’t know they need you? How do I love with Gods love, and see with his eyes and not with my eyes which are blurred by offense and hurt. God is showing me areas in my life that do not look like him. He is exposing history, and that when I found ways to cope with trauma, I was coping in my own power, not releasing to Him the hurt he would heal. In that, the coping itself became disobedience because I didn’t want to give to him what would hurt to walk through. It was easier to ignore, distract away, and ‘cope’ on my own. But I didn’t realize what that was doing to me, or that my methods of coping with history and trauma were keeping Jesus out of that area of my life. That is where depression slipped in, and it was also disobedience to actively ignore Jesus asking to heal an area I had already ‘patched’ on my own.

So this is where God has me. And he can do so much more through me when I let Him lead rather than asking him to follow. And he is leading me back to Guatemala. It he is asking me to trust him in a few areas I don’t like trusting in. Mostly, planning and control. I am returning to Guatemala in August, but I don’t know the exact date, and when I get there I don’t know my exact function. He is also asking me to trust him in financial situations I have previously always handled myself. So I am in prayer, and I would ask any prayer and after time praying on my own, and with a few others, I am now asking others to join me.

One desire God has long given me, from before I even started nursing school was to love people through Nursing caring. When I return I can live in or near the group homes and travel out with the rural village ministry team to visit and support families who have children with special needs. The aim is in part to help enable living families keep their children in their homes rather than send them to an institution where abuse and neglect run rampant. The real objective is to reach these entire families with the relational love of Christ, starting by showing love to their child others call garbage. This is a passion, and very necessary. We need more workers and my heart hurts here.

God has also long laid on my heart the idea of opening another group home under Hope for Home to love children with special needs in Guatemala. I have lived this life, and this love is the most intimate way I can show Christ’s love to another human. These kids are beyond precious. I don't know how to explain being so in love with a child you heard about on the phone only as an age, gender, and disability so that before you even meet them, your heart breaks for them. This is also something I am extremely passionate about, the need is so very great.

So it’s decision time. And by that, I mean time to decide to pray, lean on God, and trust his timing and plans. Specifics still pending, I'm returning in August sometime, and I am open to where he leads. He will provide everything I am lacking (which is quite literally everything anyway since such a great love is beyond me!!)!

Thank you all for your continued prayers. Pray also for those living in the devastation from fuego's furry, whose consequences are still mounting. And pray for more workers because the need is great.